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i just got off the phone with my grandmother....i am NOT looking forward to going home....AT ALL.
everytime she calls me i hate her more and more. i wanted to stick my arm through the phone and strangle her. when i get back home it's going to be ten thousand times worse because that annoying, ignorant douche bag is going to be staring me in the face as she bitches about some stupid pointless shit that only matters to her because she's so old she has nothing normal to worry about anymore. i can't stand living with them. how do they expect me to go home and live in the same house as them and NOT want to drink myself into oblivion every night?
i was walking up the hill at the music school today and everything fell on me like the crisp, cold stone of caldwell that i saw raised in clear blue sky. this is all real. sometimes the vivid imagery nature gives us, the crimson bird on the chocolate branch....the white streak of moon rippling through the ocean...or the dandylion against the damp grass...it reminds us of how real life is, because at that moment, you want to hold the bird in your hand, jump into the moon or pull the dandylion up by its roots and savor the moment. but you can't. sometimes you just have to let things go.
i picked that dandylion i found the other day. it made me happy, so i picked it. what was full of life and hope, lying there innocently in the grass on wedneday, sits on my desk next to papers and books, shriveled and dry, raped of its vitality.
i don't want this to be over. i don't want this to be the end. it's not...but it feels like it is. i feel like i've royally screwed myself and there's no way i can fix it....what will i say to other people in my family? what will i say to the teachers at my old school? i'm sure they'll find out about it SOME way...and even if they don't, how will i answer then with a straight face when they ask how school is going? what if i bump into the colmans? i don't want them to know what i got suspended for....i'd never see their children again! i feel like some sort of black sheep....but, i mean, after all the ass holes my family has produced....this isn't too bad, right? i mean...at least i WENT to college, right? and it's not like i'm not gonna finish....it's just a semester, i'll be back. no biggie. just a delay. but now....i'm, like, 5 months farther behind in my life than all of my friends. and...i don't want to have to keep telling people about how i got suspended....like, i hate telling people here i got suspended, but for the most part, i don't, because word gets around...but my classmates, my 05' girlies....they're all gonna know and i'm going ot have to tell them and it's going to be annoying....i'm ashamed of it....the other day i told one of my friends from home and he was like "THAT'S AWESOME!!!!!!!" ....but it's not....this is my EDUCATION....i dunno, as much of a slacker as i am, i have ALWAYS valued education and held it as something very important in defining someone's character. basically, i feel like everyone that can SHOULD educate themselves and everyone who can't SHOULD be given a way to be able to. my step sister almost couldn't go to college because she didn't have the finantial means to do so and could not aquire finantial aid, and when i heard this i strated crying because i felt it was so unfair. no one should be denied an education for any reason....and, i feel like i'm denying myself an education....that i'm screwing myself out of one of the most valuable things in the entire world: knowledge, wisdom, freedom of thought and creativity and expression.....God, i'm a cheese ball, but it's really how i feel and that's what's killing me the most.
gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.........i'm gonna go now because i'm a loser....
xoxox3LaUrA
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